An hour or so passed and still the centipede hadn't returned, so the
snail and the grasshopper decided to go look for him.
The head monk said, "You must take a vow of silence and can only say two words every three years."
Jokes in English for the ESL/EFL Classroom
"Ouch!" He says, "I thought you said your dog does not bite!"
Some hours later, the 2nd lorry driver drives past the first one, who
is still waiting on the motorway. The penguins are still on the lorry,
and look happy.
Bartender: Look. What's your problem? You came in here yesterday asking
for grapes, I TOLD you, WE DON'T HAVE ANY GRAPES!! Next time I see your
little ducktail waddle in here I'm going to nail those little webbed feet
of yours to the floor. GOT me pal?
And the duck hops off the bar stool and waddles out.
The NEXT day at the same time, the duck waddles into the bar, walks
up to the bartender and the bartender says,
Submitted by Christine MAZEAU
I was once told by a Japanese student that this
is an old story.
One Saturday afternoon the grasshopper, the snail, and the centipede
were sitting around the grasshopper's house drinking beer.
Submitted by Erin McCluskey
A preacher was told by his doctor that he had only
a few weeks left to live.
and says," "Where did you put the cheese."
(When the mouse speeks you must act like the mouse. Stick your head out as if looking into the trap and swing it back and forth as if looking for the cheese.)
The implication is that the mouse will saw off his own head while looking
for the cheese. Remember the saw blade?
"I thought I asked you to take those penguins to the zoo," shouted
the first driver.
The bartender is really ticked off.
The man agreed and after the first 3 years, the head monk came to him and said, "What are your two words?"
"Food cold!" the man replied.
----
"Here's the box." (Draw a hole in the box.) "Here's the hole." (Draw
a circle in the bottom of the hole) "Here's the cheese." (Draw a line across
the hole in the box.) "Here's the blade. The mouse sticks his head in the
holeto get the cheese, the blade drops on his neck and kills him."
The patent officer looks at the diagram. He understands that the man is a little slow so he wants to be kind. He explains to the man that he does not think the design is ready to be patented yet. He tells the man, "Please, work on it some more. Perhaps I will be able to patent it another time." The slow witted man says thank you and leaves the office.
One week later the slow witted man shows up again. (Draw the exact same example on the board in exactly the same way.) The slow witted man says, "This is the box, this is the hole, this is the cheese and this is the wire. The mouse sticks his head in the hole to get the cheese, the wire wraps around his neck and kills him."
The patent officer, still trying to be kind, makes the same excuse as before. The slow witted man leaves.
One week later the slow witted man returns. He approaches the same pattent
officer and says, (The exact same things)
"That's the point. The mouse sticks his head in the hole
A man slow witted man walked into a pattent office. He walked up to
the patent officer and said, "Hey, I've got a new idea for a mouse trap."
(Draw a box on the blackboard.)
I taught my students waddle, webbed feet but you could teach What the
heck do you want, pal, barkeep, bartender, etc
It is also good to review "any" A man's dog has a problem so he takes him to the vet's. The vet looks at the dog and says that he'll have to take him to the examining room. In the examining room, he takes a cat out of a cage and lets the cat walk all over the dog, but the dog doesn't do anything.
The doctor say "Your dog is dead."
The man goes out to the receptionist and asks for his bill.
"That'll be $325" says the receptionist.
"What! $325? How's that possible?"
"It's $25 for the consultation, and $300 for the Cat scan."
NOTE: The students might not recognise the word CAT scan.
Submitted by: Eve Ross
George was taking care of a parrot for his aunt.
This parrot was a very nasty parrot. It cussed and screamed and made fun
of George, so he took the parrot and put it in the freezer.
The parrot kept screaming and insulting George until finally it stopped.
George thought to himself, "On no! I froze my aunt's bird to death."
He opened the door and saw the bird alive!
The bird said, "I'm sorry for my behaviour and will never act up again.
George said, "Why the change?"
The bird answered, "Because I saw what you did to the other bird.
(HInt: He saw the frozen chicken.)
Submitted by: Brian Madden
"Dad, I don't want to go to school today." said
the boy.
"Why not, son?"
"Well, one of the chickens on the school farm died last week and we had chicken soup for lunch the next day. Then three days ago one of the pigs died and we had roast pork the next day."
"But why don't you want to go today?"
"Because our English teacher died yesterday!" A man was driving at 80 kph one day when he was passed by a 3-legged chicken. He accelerated and passed the chicken. Three minutes later the chicken passed him again as he was driving at 100 kph. The man tried to catch the chicken but it ran down a side road. The man followed it into a farmyard but couldn't find it anywhere. He saw the farmer and told him the story and the man asked for an explanation. The farmer said that he, his wife and his son all liked chicken legs so he bred 3-legged chickens.
"What do they taste like?" asked the man.
"I don't know", replied the farmer, "we haven't caught one yet"
Submitted by Abu Abdulaziz (Kuwait)
James was walking down the road one morning when
he met his friend Danny.
"Morning, Danny. Er ... Danny, you're wearing a glove on one hand and none on the other. Did you know?"
"Yes, well I heard the weather forecast this morning, you see."
"The Weather forecast?"
"Yes, the weather forecast. the forecaster said on the one hand it might be fine but on the other hand there might be some rain."
(Cantonese students have problems with "on the other hand" because there
is a similar expression in Cantonese that means "in addition". This joke
helps highlight the contrast implied.)
A Project of The Internet TESL Journal
Teachers often use jokes in the ESL/EFL classroom to teach culture, grammar and vocabulary.
And the duck waddles slowly out of the bar.
The next day at the same time, the duck waddles into the bar, hops up
on a bar stool.
Submitted by Mary Cobb Neighbors
A woman got on a bus, holding a baby.
The bus driver said, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."
In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an
aisle
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