The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her
what
Oh. Well, do you have any grapes?
Bartender (looking surprised and finding the question odd):
Submitted by Christine MacBrien (as told to her by her
brother Dave in Toronto
The two beginning ESL students went to Honolulu on holiday.
Soon they began to argue about the correct way to pronounce the word "Hawaii."
One student insisted that it's Hawaii, with a "w" sound. The other student
said it was pronounced like "Havaii," with a "v" sound.
Finally, they saw an old native on the beach, and asked him which was correct. The old man said it's "Havaii." The student who was right was very happy, and thanked the old man.
The old man said "you're velcome."
Bartender (a little annoyed): Hey! Weren't you in here yesterday. Look
buddy, we don't have any grapes. OK?
The duck hops off the stool and waddles out the door.
The next day, at the same time, the bartender is cleaning some glasses
when he hears a familiar voice
Umm. do you have any nails?
"I quit!" said the man.
Duck: Umm. Do you have any grapes?
Bartender: Hi. What can I get for you?
The bartender says "What can I get you?"
Three more years went by and the head monk came to him and said "What are your two words?"
Submitted by Rick Bell
There were three restauraunts on the same block.
One day one of them put up a sign which said "The Best Restaurant in the
City."
The next day, the largest restaurant on the block put up a larger sign which said "The Best Restaurant in the World."
On the third day, the smallest restaurant put up a small sign which
said "The Best Restaurant on this Block."
The second replied, "I did, but I had some money left, so we're going
to the cinema now."
Duck: Umm.. Do you have any grapes?
Submitted by: Catherine
Three rich brothers each wanted to do something special for
their elderly mother on Mother's Day. The first brother bought her a huge
house. The second brother gave her a limousine, with a driver. The third
brother remembered that his mother used to love to read the Bible, but
couldn't see well anymore, so he got her a specially trained parrot that
could recite any verse from the Bible on demand.
Soon, the brothers received thank-you notes from their mother. The first son's note said, "The house you bought me is much too big! I only live in a small part of it, but I have to clean the whole thing!" The second son got a note that said, "I rarely leave the house anymore, so I hardly use the limo you gave me. And when I do use it, the driver is so rude!" The third son's note said, "My darling baby boy, you know just what your mother loves! The chicken was delicious!"
Teaching Notes: We previewed some of the vocabulary, such as
limousine, trained, delicious, and gave a printed copy of the joke to the
students as part of a reading activity. We knew they were finished when
they started chuckling. If the reference to the Bible would be inappropriate
for your class, you might adapt the joke by substituting "the classics")
Submitted by Jim J. Johnson
A lorry driver is driving 200 penguins to London
Zoo when his lorry breaks down on the motorway. The driver gets out of
the cab and is looking at the engine when a second lorry driver stops in
front of him and asks if he needs help. The penguins' driver explains that
he is taking the penguins to the zoo and asks if the other man would
Submitted by Peggy Datz
I think this joke is funny and so far, all of my intermediate
to advanced ESL classes have agreed with me.
A duck walks into a bar and goes up to the bartender.
take the penguins there. He agrees.
things to insult passengers."
"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."
"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
Submitted by Karl Hartman
An American lawyer invited a Czechoslovakian
friend to stay with him in his mountain cabin. Early in the morning, the
lawyer and his Czechoslovakian friend went out to pick berries for their
morning breakfast. As they were picking blueberries, along came two big
Bears - a male and a female.
The lawyer, seeing the two bears, climbed a tree.
His friend wasn't so lucky and the male bear caught him and swallowed him whole.
The lawyer drove his car to town as fast has he could to get a policeman. The policeman took his gun and ran to the berry patch with the lawyer.
Sure enough, the two bears were still there. "He's in THAT one!" said the lawyer, pointing to the male.
The policeman looked at the bears, took careful aim with his gun, and SHOT THE FEMALE.
"What did you do that for!" shouted the lawyer, "I said he was in the other bear!"
"Exactly," answered the policeman. "Would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the Male?"
(The check is in the mail.)
They got as far as the the front door and found the centipede sitting
there putting on his shoes.
Submitted by Jeremy Hookway
One day a student was taking a very difficult essay
exam. At the end of the test, the prof asked all the students to put their
pencils down and immediately hand in their tests. The young man kept writing
furioulsy, although he was warned that if he did not stop immediately he
would be disqualified. He ignored the warning, finished the test 10
was wrong.
"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.
The man sympathized and said, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't
say
Submitted by Bonnie P
The prof again said no. So the student walked over to the pile of tests,
placed his in
Duck: Umm. Do you have any grapes?
Submitted by Rodney A. Hoiseth - Roth Corporation
This joke never fails to get a laugh.
(Present continuous / just for fun)
Submitted by Bonnie P.
A man wanted to become a monk so he went to the monastery and talked to the head monk.
If you know a joke that works well with ESL/EFL students, please submit the joke.
Jokes |
Long Jokes |
Misuse of English
Long Jokes
(This is guaranteed laughs in the Chinese classroom. It
was originally a bit in a Pink Panther movie).
A man walks into a shop and sees a cute little dog. He asks the shopkeeper,
"Does your dog bite?"
Submitted by Dick Tibbetts, Macau
This worked fine with my level 200a on up.
A man got a parrot which could already talk. It had belonged to a sailor and had a big vocabulary. However, the man soon discovered that the parrot mostly know bad words. At first he thought it was funny, but then it became tiresome, and finally, when the man had important guests, the bird's bad words embarrassed him very much.
As soon as the guests left, the man angrily shouted at the parrot,"That language must stop!". But the bird answered him with curses. He shook the bird and shouted again, "Don't use those ugly words!" Again the bird cursed him.
Now the man was really angry. He grabbed the parrot and threw him into the refrigerator. But it had no effect. From inside the refrigerator,the parrot was still swearing. He opened the door and took him out, and again the bird spoke in dirty words and curses. This time, the man opened the door of the freezer , threw the bird into it, and closed the door.